Once upon a time in a random world far far away....
*Cue the dramatic music sung by a choir of hamsters*
*Cue the text floating up the screen which just read [text goes here] because the production team got bored and decided to have a game of twister instead*
Scene unfolds away into a space scene where a dodo , who had recently heard the news that his species were extinct, was suddenly so infuriated by this that he accidentally, through the volitile fabric of time and space ( mixed with the magical qualities emanating from the latte coloured mountains of Starflux ) ended up recreating himself out of magical thin air and suddenly found himself flying above the world in a star cruiser.
Which was quite unfortunate really.
Because moments later he was shot out've the sky by two passing Y and Z fighters who mistook him for a falcon from the year 2000.
Scene fades out to a desert made of biscuit crumbs and we see a young hamster called fluke ( aptly named because as he was born, he shot out with such 'force' that he knocked out a passing cat that had been weighing up the situation like the two for one section in asda ) was absentmindedly and foreshadowingly swinging a stick of candy floss as if it were a sword.
Meanwhile...
On the boogaboo system, not so far away, a Russian dwarf hamster named Soda was contemplating the force of the hamster wheel and levitating in his cage, while his owners rushed around frantically for a video recorder.
While in another place altogether...
A closet homosexual and his midget counterpart, who didn't really talk but squeaked occasionally, were making their way on an important mission that would change Random World....
forever......
Sunday, 23 February 2014
Monday, 27 January 2014
The Tale of the Malevolent Shoe Monster
There once lived a monster (unless you believe in reincarnation, then chances are he went on to live other lives therefore he didn't live just only the once but in fact numerous times over and over as various things , he sometimes fancied himself as a dung beetle - his reasoning being if life keeps throwing dung at you, you might as well accept it and 'roll with it') .
He was quite a malevolent monster (In fact he just wasn't really much of a morning person. He didn't dig the whole getting up before at least 11am thing and really could be quite grumpy if somebody woke him up. Actions ranged from the array of broken alarm clocks he had mounted onto spikes all around his house , to terrorizing the neighbors cat if it knocked his milk bottles over on the doorstep)
I digress.
Ok , He was a monster , who probably lived previous lives, and who by all accounts wasn't much of a morning person. That's not the point. The point is, he was a monster who loved shoes. Now let's not get into the whole fetish thing. It is in fact, highly probable that there was more to this obsession with shoes than we care to know about, but let's not concern ourselves with this right now and concentrate on what we know, and that is, he liked to wear them on his ears.
I know, I know. Strange isn't it. Point is, having the reputation of a malevolent monster often meant people didn't go out of their way to offend you (or rather point out how silly you looked wearing shoes on your ears ) so the monster, who was actually called Clive, remained oblivious to this for years , until one day he decided to go for a walk in the park one Sunday afternoon.
It was a strange sort of day that day and a lot could be said and noted , by the clouds that formed a very obvious Phallic symbol in the sky , to a bunch of squirrels who had gone mad and we're trying to climb a tree upside down. The main thing to note was that there had been a fire the night before at a local coffee house down the road and coffee granulated smoke had poured out from the building and into the woods. This mixed with the sounds of a passing radio playing punk rock created unbeknownst to Clive , a portal into another world he was yet to discover as he waddled along with shoes on his ears.
It is probably apt at this point to note Clive's appearance , as a monster could hold many different definitions in the mind of a strange and special individual like you and me, I mean right now I'd imagine him to be about 3 foot tall with purple fuzzy hair covering him from head to toe and a grumpy face that resembles an orangutan mixed with an ewok , but with one eye twice the size of other other, quite a mixed up description of a monster, and well, as I'm the author here I'm calling shotgun!
Another thing to note about Clive, besides looking like something from a trippy fairy story written by teenage potheads (I am suddenly aware that I indeed created him) was that he had a tendency wander off into the woods. This probably dates back to scare period of the 45th century, where monsters would be scouting off into creepy positions around the world before entering the parallel dimensions to a weird place called earth, in which people were so easily scared that being a monster had a satisfaction brought to it like no other. This being an ingrained characteristic of being a monster was one that was difficult to shake, even though for centuries now monsters were unable to teleport to other dimensions (due to the scare factor being completely ruined by animation films that would portray them into being cuddly little blighters often misunderstood) and monsters were often found wandering aimlessly around being taken along by the denim genes of past generations walking repeatedly into walls and disappearing into hedges that were carnivorous and would eat them whole. This tendency took him into the woods and found him headed straight for a shiny round thing hovering above the ground with swirls in it like milkshake and caramel latte mixed together ( in fact that was exactly what it was and at the same time not all it was either)
Clive was momentarily stopped in his tracks when suddenly, from this delicious mix of portal goodness, arose fairies that twinkled in the daylight and giggled a really infectious giggle that just put Clive into a worse mood than he was already in. In fact he took out the special fairy fly swatter that he had tucked away in his fur and waved it menacingly in front of him , feeling all malevolent and such.
It is worth noting here that Fairies such as these were not like normal fairies, for these were in fact stark raving mad. For one, they wore their clothes back to front, tiny legs poking out've armholes in jumpers and heads poking out've holes cut out've jeans with arms through the leg holes. They even wore shoes on their heads, which meant one of two things depending on how you looked at it. To the fairies, who were completely bonkers anyway, this was perfectly normal behavior and was seen as something they were instantly drawn to. To Clive, who had a sensitive disposition when it came to his unusual head-wear immediately saw this as taking the Mickey , and therefore became enraged, when thousands of little fairies suddenly bombarded him like ants to a discarded cola flavored tip-top and the air was suddenly alive with them.
Armed with his special fairy fly swatter, and flailing around like an angry sea turtle, Clive started swinging manically around himself as he turned this way and that shooting fairies off into the distance (who by the way were currently having a fantastic time thinking this was the usual game of being propelled at speeds faster than you can say 'bibble' which was a game played back on their own world) when suddenly it happened. He stumbled backwards and like a sugar cube landed horizontally into the latte and milkshake portal and vanished into it never to be seen again.
Of course Clive was seen again, not by the monsters on his own world but rather by a turtle called Biblo (his parents were massive fans of The Lord of the Rings) It happened as Biblo was reading his paper on the outdoor lavatory and whistling to himself when suddenly , from nowhere, a giant (Biblo was only 6 inches tall) purple angry thing appeared in front of him and slapped him clean in the face with a swatting device propelling his newspaper into the bushes and onto the head of a passing hedgefox called Gumbut who, as it turns out, wore the sparkliest shoes Clive had ever laid eyes on.
And so it started. The enraged shoe monster called Clive was propelled in random world and went on a malevolent crime spree of petty shoe crimes mercilessly stealing people's shoes and running off with them around his head cackling mischievously as he went....
He was quite a malevolent monster (In fact he just wasn't really much of a morning person. He didn't dig the whole getting up before at least 11am thing and really could be quite grumpy if somebody woke him up. Actions ranged from the array of broken alarm clocks he had mounted onto spikes all around his house , to terrorizing the neighbors cat if it knocked his milk bottles over on the doorstep)
I digress.
Ok , He was a monster , who probably lived previous lives, and who by all accounts wasn't much of a morning person. That's not the point. The point is, he was a monster who loved shoes. Now let's not get into the whole fetish thing. It is in fact, highly probable that there was more to this obsession with shoes than we care to know about, but let's not concern ourselves with this right now and concentrate on what we know, and that is, he liked to wear them on his ears.
I know, I know. Strange isn't it. Point is, having the reputation of a malevolent monster often meant people didn't go out of their way to offend you (or rather point out how silly you looked wearing shoes on your ears ) so the monster, who was actually called Clive, remained oblivious to this for years , until one day he decided to go for a walk in the park one Sunday afternoon.
It was a strange sort of day that day and a lot could be said and noted , by the clouds that formed a very obvious Phallic symbol in the sky , to a bunch of squirrels who had gone mad and we're trying to climb a tree upside down. The main thing to note was that there had been a fire the night before at a local coffee house down the road and coffee granulated smoke had poured out from the building and into the woods. This mixed with the sounds of a passing radio playing punk rock created unbeknownst to Clive , a portal into another world he was yet to discover as he waddled along with shoes on his ears.
It is probably apt at this point to note Clive's appearance , as a monster could hold many different definitions in the mind of a strange and special individual like you and me, I mean right now I'd imagine him to be about 3 foot tall with purple fuzzy hair covering him from head to toe and a grumpy face that resembles an orangutan mixed with an ewok , but with one eye twice the size of other other, quite a mixed up description of a monster, and well, as I'm the author here I'm calling shotgun!
Another thing to note about Clive, besides looking like something from a trippy fairy story written by teenage potheads (I am suddenly aware that I indeed created him) was that he had a tendency wander off into the woods. This probably dates back to scare period of the 45th century, where monsters would be scouting off into creepy positions around the world before entering the parallel dimensions to a weird place called earth, in which people were so easily scared that being a monster had a satisfaction brought to it like no other. This being an ingrained characteristic of being a monster was one that was difficult to shake, even though for centuries now monsters were unable to teleport to other dimensions (due to the scare factor being completely ruined by animation films that would portray them into being cuddly little blighters often misunderstood) and monsters were often found wandering aimlessly around being taken along by the denim genes of past generations walking repeatedly into walls and disappearing into hedges that were carnivorous and would eat them whole. This tendency took him into the woods and found him headed straight for a shiny round thing hovering above the ground with swirls in it like milkshake and caramel latte mixed together ( in fact that was exactly what it was and at the same time not all it was either)
Clive was momentarily stopped in his tracks when suddenly, from this delicious mix of portal goodness, arose fairies that twinkled in the daylight and giggled a really infectious giggle that just put Clive into a worse mood than he was already in. In fact he took out the special fairy fly swatter that he had tucked away in his fur and waved it menacingly in front of him , feeling all malevolent and such.
It is worth noting here that Fairies such as these were not like normal fairies, for these were in fact stark raving mad. For one, they wore their clothes back to front, tiny legs poking out've armholes in jumpers and heads poking out've holes cut out've jeans with arms through the leg holes. They even wore shoes on their heads, which meant one of two things depending on how you looked at it. To the fairies, who were completely bonkers anyway, this was perfectly normal behavior and was seen as something they were instantly drawn to. To Clive, who had a sensitive disposition when it came to his unusual head-wear immediately saw this as taking the Mickey , and therefore became enraged, when thousands of little fairies suddenly bombarded him like ants to a discarded cola flavored tip-top and the air was suddenly alive with them.
Armed with his special fairy fly swatter, and flailing around like an angry sea turtle, Clive started swinging manically around himself as he turned this way and that shooting fairies off into the distance (who by the way were currently having a fantastic time thinking this was the usual game of being propelled at speeds faster than you can say 'bibble' which was a game played back on their own world) when suddenly it happened. He stumbled backwards and like a sugar cube landed horizontally into the latte and milkshake portal and vanished into it never to be seen again.
Of course Clive was seen again, not by the monsters on his own world but rather by a turtle called Biblo (his parents were massive fans of The Lord of the Rings) It happened as Biblo was reading his paper on the outdoor lavatory and whistling to himself when suddenly , from nowhere, a giant (Biblo was only 6 inches tall) purple angry thing appeared in front of him and slapped him clean in the face with a swatting device propelling his newspaper into the bushes and onto the head of a passing hedgefox called Gumbut who, as it turns out, wore the sparkliest shoes Clive had ever laid eyes on.
And so it started. The enraged shoe monster called Clive was propelled in random world and went on a malevolent crime spree of petty shoe crimes mercilessly stealing people's shoes and running off with them around his head cackling mischievously as he went....
The Magical Cucumber and the One Eyed Flame Grilled Beef Steak
Keep it!
Exclaimed Poodoo, the Japanese one eyed flame grilled beef steak.
Tango, the orange long haired hamster from the Netherlands was trying to hand him a magical cucumber that was filled with such power that it would grant it's user 1 wish, but neither of them knew that.
"But why?"
Asked Tango pouting,
"It's a good cucumber and it's the only way to get to Ping Pong land"
"I don't want it,"
Said Poodoo defiantly,
" it ruins sandwiches and makes them all soggy in your lunchbox, "
The cucumber was used to hearing things like this and was momentarily hurt by this accusation, it wasn't his fault that he sweated a lot next to the cheese and ham.
There was a commotion in the forest then all around them and the marshmallow trees started swaying and sticking to each other in one big gooey mess.
They both looked down at the cucumber.
"I told you !"
Shouted Poodoo pointing towards the cucumber with a shaky finger
"That things cursed!"
"Nonsense"
Replied Tango, who was starting to get a bit fizzed up by the whole exchange.
"Look if you don't want it I'll eat the thing myself!"
The cucumber, suddenly terrified at the thought of being eaten, started to sweat cucumber juice and thought of jelly beans to try and cheer himself up as the monstrous jaws of the 5 centimeter long hamster started to come towards it like a shark to a rowing boat, when suddenly through the forest burst an army of hippy monkeys wearing sandals and feather boas.
RUN!
Shouted Poodoo and turn quickly only to fall into a tasty burger bun , which was quite unfortunate really.
Tango rolled his eyes annoyed by the situation of it all and said,
I wish you'd just taken the cucumber when I said and eaten it then we'd be on our way to Ping Pong land in a jiffy.
POOF
Then they were waddling out of the forest on a path that led them to Ping Pong land and Poodoo was moaning about his distaste for salad.
"You had to say it didn't you!" He groaned
And a Ping pong ball wizzed through the trees and bounced off a nearby tree, slapping the steak in the head....
Exclaimed Poodoo, the Japanese one eyed flame grilled beef steak.
Tango, the orange long haired hamster from the Netherlands was trying to hand him a magical cucumber that was filled with such power that it would grant it's user 1 wish, but neither of them knew that.
"But why?"
Asked Tango pouting,
"It's a good cucumber and it's the only way to get to Ping Pong land"
"I don't want it,"
Said Poodoo defiantly,
" it ruins sandwiches and makes them all soggy in your lunchbox, "
The cucumber was used to hearing things like this and was momentarily hurt by this accusation, it wasn't his fault that he sweated a lot next to the cheese and ham.
There was a commotion in the forest then all around them and the marshmallow trees started swaying and sticking to each other in one big gooey mess.
They both looked down at the cucumber.
"I told you !"
Shouted Poodoo pointing towards the cucumber with a shaky finger
"That things cursed!"
"Nonsense"
Replied Tango, who was starting to get a bit fizzed up by the whole exchange.
"Look if you don't want it I'll eat the thing myself!"
The cucumber, suddenly terrified at the thought of being eaten, started to sweat cucumber juice and thought of jelly beans to try and cheer himself up as the monstrous jaws of the 5 centimeter long hamster started to come towards it like a shark to a rowing boat, when suddenly through the forest burst an army of hippy monkeys wearing sandals and feather boas.
RUN!
Shouted Poodoo and turn quickly only to fall into a tasty burger bun , which was quite unfortunate really.
Tango rolled his eyes annoyed by the situation of it all and said,
I wish you'd just taken the cucumber when I said and eaten it then we'd be on our way to Ping Pong land in a jiffy.
POOF
Then they were waddling out of the forest on a path that led them to Ping Pong land and Poodoo was moaning about his distaste for salad.
"You had to say it didn't you!" He groaned
And a Ping pong ball wizzed through the trees and bounced off a nearby tree, slapping the steak in the head....
Friday, 17 May 2013
The moon and the Kinky bear song
A moon there was!
a moon? a moon!
all covered in foam he was such a loon!
he was touching himself while singing a tune!
that dirty in-appropriate moon!
A bear there was!
a bear? a bear!
all scary and brown and covered in hair!
he wore a big dress with no underwear!
that kinky scary old bear!
In the woods that night
the woods? the woods!
the dark old place that captured red riding hoods!
a kerfuffle was happening with lots of soap suds!
that strange unrhyme-able woods!
A song there was!
a song? a song!
it was really quite strange and rather quite wrong!
it also involved a strange man in a thong!
that knky silly old song!
The moon reappeared!
the moon? the moon!
he wasn't quite done, the egotistical loon!
still touching himself but where was the spoon?
that dirty devious old moon!
a moon? a moon!
all covered in foam he was such a loon!
he was touching himself while singing a tune!
that dirty in-appropriate moon!
A bear there was!
a bear? a bear!
all scary and brown and covered in hair!
he wore a big dress with no underwear!
that kinky scary old bear!
In the woods that night
the woods? the woods!
the dark old place that captured red riding hoods!
a kerfuffle was happening with lots of soap suds!
that strange unrhyme-able woods!
A song there was!
a song? a song!
it was really quite strange and rather quite wrong!
it also involved a strange man in a thong!
that knky silly old song!
The moon reappeared!
the moon? the moon!
he wasn't quite done, the egotistical loon!
still touching himself but where was the spoon?
that dirty devious old moon!
The Boob Song
(Think heavy metal and the brrbrbrbbrrrbrrr as being the deep throated roaring and you've got it)
wibble wibble bounce bounce
brrbrbrbrbrrrrbbrrr (motorboat)
wibble wibble bounce bounce
wibble wibble bounce bounce
bbbrbrbrbrbbbbrrrrr (motorboat)
Meanwhile.......
…. The creatures from the land of candy floss and fizzy cola bottles were locked in a discussion over unusual circumstances…
"What's he doing?"
Asked Boomba, the Brazillian badger from Twickenham
"Beats me!"
Replied Harry, the koala bear looking on with a blank interest.
"Well I'm telling you its not right!"
Piped up Trevor, the 150 year old tortoise, who was looking on with mild annoyance.
Pete, the Mongolian hair monkey was dancing around in circles clapping and laughing to himself making whooshing noises while the other animals crowded round with confused interest.
"Well he looks happy and he’s not harming anyone,"
Said boomba,
Maybe we should just leave him be!
"Leave him be?!?"
Roared trevor
"Before you know it they’ll all be doing it, dancing around like bloody idiots gone mad and disrupting the peace!"
"WOOSH!"
Shouted pete
Then suddenly pete stopped.
The other animals fell silent and watched intently what was going to happen next as pete looked deep in concentration.
"What’s he doing now?"
Whispered boomba, too afraid to be heard over the silence.
And with that pete stooped bent over slowly the look of concentration building and building….
.....then farted
and carried on dancing and whooshing again to stunned silence from the crowd
"Well that’s it!"
Barked trevor,
"I’ll have no more of this nonsense!"
And turned and plodded slowly off the other way cursing under his breath
Friday, 12 April 2013
No!
Shouted Curtis, the Lebanese one eyed hedgehog.
The other animals fell silent, even Pete who wasn't even speaking anyway, just merely watching as Sid, the African mole turkey was doing somersaults and giggling manically, for no particular reason.
The other animals were talking about summoning the dancing mushroom fairy of the rare Mooba tribe to help with the outbreak of jellybean ninjas when Curtis had nearly ran into them shouting for them to stop.
And why should we listen to you?
Asked Trevor, the hundred year old incontinent tortoise in a tone that suggested he didn't even care for the answer and carried on chewing his Wrigley's extra juicy gum and drinking apple cider.
If you summon the mushroom fairy then you will annoy her and she will come!
The other animals looked at each other confused.
And who’s ‘her’ ? croaked Trevor even more disinterested than before turning to blow a chewing gum bubble that exploded all over Sid in a sticky mess!
You can’t say her name its forbidden, squeaked moot, the rare Bulgarian fish hamster nervously rubbing her hands together and hopping from one foot to another anxiously.
The sock fairy! Someone shouted in panic
There was a sudden shocked gasp from everyone in the clearing then everyone turned to look at the source of the shout and Bert the Mongolian chipmunk crouched there quivering.
You cannot summon the mushroom fairy or the sock fairy will come and sneeze a thousand sand dunes and ruin daisy chain land……forever!
Then we cant say bee? Asked Trevor casually chewing his gum
Then BOOM
The mushroom fairy suddenly appeared wearing a hula skirt and fake mustache
Hi everybody!........
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